Ever think you were just meant to be lonely. I feel that way everyday since i've almost been made an outcast for reason's i don't know. By crazy fake people. I don't even know why i care. I'm hopefully leaving and probably not seeing most of these people soon. I'm friendly to everyone always invited people to every function even if it was spur of the moment. And now i'm excluded from things. And hearing about it later. It hurts but i'm sure no one cares. But i'm a big girl. I let it roll off my back. Because there are fake people out there and that's what they do. But fakeness can only last for so long before it just turns to silence. Which is fine i would rather have silence than fakeness.

I've learned that I push people away because they are getting to close to me. I do it to everyone involuntarily. Which makes it hard to build relationships. I have this wall that is damn near impenatrable. There are little cracks in the wall that some very close people can see through but noone has ever fully penetrated the wall. Which is sad? I think my family and moving around around has hardend me. I hate that i am so closed off. But i can't help it. Even my boyfriend kind of who i still love very much with all my heart just has a glimpse and i pushed him away. Which sucks cause i love him and and i hurt him and me.

I just keep having vision's of me being an old lady with like a shit load of pets no husband or kids just being kind to everyone and getting pretty much shat on. Kind of like how my life is going now except i can't control my bladder and everything is more saggy.

Hopefully this doesn't happen though.

Even though i haven't been doing my exercise regime that i've been wanting to start i think I need to start a new one. Everytime i'm feeling bad for myself or that i feel lonely i have to work out for an hour. That should make me work out for like 20hours of the day at least. A girls gotta sleep.

I know, i know i haven't written in awhile. Well awhile being an understatement. I think I should write more it makes me feel better. I can feeel the stress lifting off already. To update. WE'RE ON A BREAK !!! I feel like Ross and Rachel. But hopefully no one's sleeping with the girl from kinko's. This is a no dating or fucking around BREAK. Which i can totally deal with kind of.  I should start going to the gym. In these summer months i should be working out not sitting on my ass. But this job is kind of stressful. I don't know what it is. Sorry that was a tangent ladies and gentleman. But we're on a break which i guess is better than being broken up completely. Cause i still really love him. I don't now if that's good or bad. Good cause i still love him alot and hope he loves me orrrrr bad cause i still love him annnnd i will be hurt if we do break up.

Wow i know your thinking two times in a row. Yup cause things are shitty right now. Crying and at 1 in the morning is not good. I'm having problems with my significant other recently. Normally things are really good. We love each and talk and everythings fine. But i find it hard to find everything fine. I love him soo much. I've never loeved anyone this much before. I never knew it was possible. But he's been making little comments recently that have been hurting my feelings.

 Normally we have a tift once in awhile nothing that lasts this long and it's scaring me and that's what make me upset the most. I don't know what i'm doing or not doing or if it's even my fault. I don't understand what's happening and i wanna know because i wanna help him with whatever is going on, but i can't if he keeps saying things that hurt me and push me away. 

  It's not the comments that hurt. It's not knowing what's going on and not being able to do anything. I hate that feeling. I love him. But how do you help someone who seems to be pushing you away. Oy. I'll attempt to go to sleep but i'll probably be back up.

Soooo late last night annnndddd this morning has been one of the worst days although i've had a bunch of those these past couple weeks. I'm feeling; fat, stupid, annndd my bf is having a moments of pms. Which any girl knows those can mean biting remarks that are sometimes unprovoked. So in order:

 I'm feeling fat well because i am lol i'm not gonna pretend i'm not. I know what i am. I had to go get my body composition done for my fitness for life class. Which fine whatever. But first off u have to wear a tshirt and shorts. Which i refuse to wear shorts except for the ones that i stay at home with which are quite short, possibly daisy duke like. But i found some that are not so short fine. Then i decide hey it's a little far so i'll walk and get some exercise in. But of course it's fucking brick outside and the wind is blowing like hoe tryin to make her rent. I get there and have to strip down to shorts and shirt. So i'm thinking ok only girls should be there i imagine from what my friend said. Nope of course it's like 3 guys and one girl. Which always happens to me. Anything that could be potentially embarassing i always have a guy that deals with the situation. I'm talking going to the store to get pads and i get the only guy behind the counter embarassing. But i'm used to it by now. So they mark me poke and prod at me.  I say i really don't care cause i have someone who loves me for me. but it still made me feel bad. But good news i've lost weight soo yay.  I guess.

I feel stupid because two fellowships that i applied to both turned me down and now my hopes are hanging on a school. Which sux because God knows if i'lll even be accepted. I know that i'm not the best student but i've been working hard to bring up my gpa for my past transgressions.

Annnndddd finally last night while talking to my bf i mentioned that i wanted to be rebellious by getting a tattoo or something pierced because up until now i haven't really been a bad child. I went to school graduated with decent grades. I'm not pregnant or on drugs or an alcoholic  or living with a man and a child like my other peers. But instead of like agreeing with me or whatever my bf goes "so having premarital sex and being on birthcontrol isn't being rebellious" I'm like wtf ? what does that have to do with anything. This isn't the first wtf  comment he has made. Some i let slide and others i get upset about but i wonder what is the problem. I ask him what's wrong and he says nothing but obviously something is bothering him because he's being saying shit that's mean for no reason. But he won't tell me. Annd i don't know what to do. But that's all for now i have to go to work and then go to ceramics and take out my aggression on some clay.